Where The Circle Ends

Transatlanticsm

Love is very naïve.

You always fall in love with that certain individual, and promise that you’ll be by their side for the rest of their lives… but then things change. The future ends up entirely different that what you expected. And you never love again.

Until a few years later, where a different individual comes along. And they’re something different. And everything starts to make sense. Once again, you begin to commit, but all it takes is just one change of direction and before you know it, you’re at square one.

Seems analogous to weather. Short-term is relatively easy to predict, as you have a better understanding of the variables in play. But once you begin to look into the future, into the long-term… that’s when predictions fall apart.

There are so many unexpected things that you’d have never imagined. So what makes one think, that against all odds, they can predict the future 50 years down the road?

Maybe that’s what love is all about. Maybe love is full of those hopeful yet irrational thoughts and arguments about what is, what could be, and what will be. And you just never know what you might find the next day, the next week or even, fifty years from now.

And it makes me think of married couples, and wonder, how many times before they met, had they thought that they met the right person. Is it luck? Is it chance? Is it fate?

You’ll never know.

Being in a relationship is like rolling a die. There’s always that chance you’ll roll a 6… but there’s no way to know. Just like relationships. There’s always that chance you’ll marry that person… but there’s no way to know.

It’s weird. You’d think that something that’s been written about, talked about, and so forth, would have been all figured out by now. Maybe not. Maybe it’s for the best? Maybe it’s what makes us who we are?

Because if we didn’t have that irrationality. If we didn’t have those emotions that just don’t seem to make any sense from time to time, would we still be humans?

I don’t think so. I think the moment we start converging to predictable beings, is the moment we start losing our humanity. 

Emotions are central to to life’s purpose. If emotions were absent, would we be anything more than just mindless beings, living for the purpose of living? Though our lives would become predictable, they’d lose all meaning.

So is there a correlation between predictability and meaning to life? If life was predictable, there’d be no purpose to it. You’d already know what the outcome to every event would be… so why bother live it?

So does the lack of predictability create meaning in our lives? Seems like a discomforting thought. And does that necessarily imply the existence of free will? I’m not sure.

But whatever love is, it is an adventure first. And just like life, you shouldn’t try to steer against the winds. See what there is in the world, and explore it for yourself. Challenge your perspectives and opinions, and immerse yourself in the cultures unknown to you. Be as open-minded as possible, and be open to change.

But most importantly, never hesitate to take risks. Because, as Mark Twain once said:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Unpredictability of Mr. Chopin

Just when I thought I had it all figured out.

Life has its way of introducing new characters to your life at suspiciously perfect times. At the same time, it has the mysterious capability of shining a new light at others, in a way that makes you look at them in an entirely different perspective.

And at this current moment in time, it’s all too familiar yet so unknown. Normally, past experiences are enough for one to make an education decision. But when you’re facing a path you’ve never walked on or seen, what do you do? Do you take a few steps in, and then decide? Or do you completely turn around and forget about it?

Or do you head straight on with your head held up high?

Life is hard. But I like challenges. And I like her. 

da capo

A New Year

Often, a new year brings forth many resolutions and hopes for the next 12 months. However, it’s extremely common to see many of those resolutions and hopes forgotten and broken within the first few weeks, if not days. 

And it’s a shame. A new year can bring the fresh start needed for success. And that’s exactly what I’m hoping it does for me. Usually, I do tend to stick to my new year’s resolutions. But this year, I’m hoping for a slight change.

Last year was certainly an interesting, and unpredictable year by far. The memories it brought are sure to stay with me forever, from Montreal to Sandbanks to Shad Valley and so forth. As well, I’ve also gone under a tremendous change, similar to how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

Henceforth, I plan to make this year, 2011, a year of positivity, determination and success. I’m more confident than ever that I am fully capable of reaching not one, but all the goals I set out for myself.

To the next three hundred and sixty-five days!

The Irony of Life: Black Swans

Months ago, I was sure I would not be in the position I am right now.
Months ago, I discarded the possibility of ever even being in this position.
Months ago, I was so sure I knew exactly where my future would lead me.

Months ago…

I never wanted to work in an office. I never wanted to work in a bank. The internship at TD Bank Financial Group helped me realize that I love being on the movie, love interacting others and not sitting in front of a computer screen 8 hours a day, 5 days a week…

I considered majors with scientific concentrations such as Applied Mathematics/Earth Sciences option, and Computational Mathematics/Earth and Space Option.

I wanted to work in an environment where research, learning and benefiting society were a higher priority than money. I wanted to stay morally inclined, and do something meaningful with my life.

So what changed? Why the near sudden change of almost one-hundred and eighty degrees?

Experience.

Though it may not account for what caused all the change, the experiences I’ve recently had definitely have created a significant impact as to my stance toward life at the moment.

And that’s good. I’m a firm believer in that experience is the best way for one to learn about them. And even more importantly, experience can eliminate, or at least reduce, the biased pre-emptive notions regarding a decision. And especially from my experience, this has proven to be true for than one occasion.

So where exactly in life am I right now, and how did my own experiences affect my position as this current point in time?

Well as of right now, I’m very very strongly considering Mathematical Finances, which I believe is the biggest change (and shock for myself). However, I believe that I have ten times better understanding than I did in the summer; at least, understanding that is not clouded by bias.

Through the past few months, I’ve come to realize a few things.

1) I enjoy computer science.

Even at TD in the summer, I enjoyed the logical approaches to solving problems, and using creativity to develop an appropriate solution to said problems. As well, even right now, I strongly enjoy learning about computer science and my intent is to continue to learn more. My plan, of course, is to get a head start in Python and learn a bit of C so that I can have some back-up for a summer co-op job.

But most importantly, I want to learn. Learning is a distinct passion of mine that not too many people share. Some people have a passion for painting; it completes them. Others have a passion for writing music; it makes them happy inside. As for myself? Strange as it is, learning is something that makes me happy. If every day I can learn something new, I will feel accomplished.

And so going back to computer science, because it’s something that I love learning about, I definitely want to keep it in my life. I would love to take courses at Waterloo such as CS 350: Operating Systems and CS 452: Real-time Programming. However, if I wish to take such courses, I need to commit my major to at least something along the lines of Joint Applied Mathematics/Computer Science. But if I do that, then I will commit myself to more computer science, meaning more programming jobs. And if I have a programming job, I won’t be happy.

Conclusion? I enjoy computer science as a hobby, and I love learning about it. But it’s something that I want to keep as a hobby, and not something I work on.

2) I love the competition and working with others aspect that business brings.

I’ve known for quite some time that I love working with others, that I’m comfortable speaking in front of others and I love competition. Thus, for a long time, I was extremely concerned about the fact that I was considering academia as a future career simply because I would pass up an innumerable amount of things that I excel at.

And now working with DECA, and knowing the fact that because almost everyone is in Accounting & Financial Management, they all want to be involved in business in one shape or form. And I love these people. And then as I look at those in math… they’re all just… not what I want to be?

Very few are involved. As well, most of them want to be actuaries or theoretical physicists in the future. And I just can’t stand that. I love people that love being involved. And most of the people that are in DECA, are in other clubs I’m in as well which works out brilliantly. And though I won’t say anything about actuaries, I really don’t get theoretical physicists. Do you want to do that for the rest of your life? Especially due to the fact that it’s hardly viable, demand is low and your chance at success is even lower. Not to mention, you need to commit a large portion of your life to even begin to dream about success in theoretical physics.

I don’t know. I’m someone who can’t stick with the same content or job for a long period of time. I love change. I love new experiences.

Conclusion? I appreciate those involved in business-related affairs and the business environment itself.

3) From what I know, I actually enjoy finance.

Reading through an article on risk mismanagement by Joe Nocera that I initially read at TD, definitely re-sparked my interest in it. During lunch breaks at work, I used to go down to the bookstores and gaze at all the books related to the stock market collapse, financial management and so forth. I considered purchasing money but I ended up buying a book focused on an introduction to game theory (which was poorly written and has dissuaded me from game theory forever and ever).

As well, today in the School of Accounting & Finance, there were presentations by those in a 4th-year Actuarial Science course, which focused on portfolio optimization. I found that really interesting, and it’s something I’d like to learn in the future.

Conclusion? Re-evaluate my attitude toward mathematical finance by attempting to read The Black Swan by Nicholas Taleb. If I can get through it, I’ve made the right decision. If I can’t, back to square one.

4) I should strive to eliminate any bias or prejudice I have toward any subject.

This should be a given, but it’s not and hasn’t been. Within high school, I always stayed away from business and economics. I thought those fields were focused on making money and nothing else. However, my experience at Shad Valley quickly destroyed that outlook.

And now in university, I wanted to stay away from mathematical finance, actuarial science and so forth simply because I felt that going into those fields would make me become a mindless zombie, obsessed with earning more and more money. However, my extracurricular involvement has definitely caused me to revisit and dispel that notion.

* * *

Conclusion

I’m on the verge of committing myself to a major in Mathematical Finance. Just a few more analyses, and I’ll make a promise to myself. But where will I go after my undergraduate? Only time will tell. It could be anywhere from law school, to graduate school in mathematics to who knows what.

And especially since I couldn’t predict this sudden decision even days ago, I can’t even fathom to imagine the change of attitude I will have years from now.

But most importantly, I want to stay true to myself and true to my morals. Nothing will upset me more at the end of life, than if I went against my morals and beliefs.

La Fin.

Journey

Relationships are very interesting.

Back when I was a freshman in high school, I had very narrow (and naive) opinions of relationships. I had found them rather futile and completely useless.

However, upon being in a serious relationship a few months after, and going through a serious break-up, it certainly made an impact on both my views, and who I was and am as a person.

I learned that relationships can help a person grow. Not only can they better help you understand the other person, they can better help you understand yourself as a person.

Back then, it completely changed my views toward relationships 180 degrees. I realized that without relationships, you would never truly discover yourself as a person. And now about 3 years later, I’ve sort of come to the realization that although you are an individual, you are also something else. For that one other person in the world, you are their missing piece of the puzzle.

Often times, we don’t realize a part of our personality or ourselves, until we meet someone that brings it out. For example, when we are with our friends, those are the instances in our lives when we are truly ourselves. No need to worry about what someone thinks, but simply, just being ourselves.

And so, revisiting the notion of relationships, I think we all will meet someone, that we instantly think: “I would marry them this instant if I could.”

Six months later, we reaize there had been something we didn’t take into our calculation, and turns out, they weren’t “the one.”

But how can we know? How can we know, that someone, who at the current point in time we truly trust, will end up being “the one?”

At this point in my life, I think I’ve matured to the point where I can accept “if you are truly meant to be with someone, let them go. If they come back, then you were meant to be together.

And even though this seems to be a rambling of fate, it’s interesting to note that if you compare the opinions of teenagers to those of the eldery on fate vs. free will, the younger you are, the more likely you are to believe that you have a control in your life.

And with that, all I can conlude with is: let’s see if this holds to be true for me.

Global Equity Derivatives

Global Equity Derivatives (GEDs) is just one example of the complicated economic jargon that’s been thrown around the office space at work recently. Do I know what it is? Not really. Do I have a clue? …I wish. From PnL to VaR, there are an abundance of terms that I’ve came across in conversation with my manager; however, I commonly dismiss them with a façade; a slight nod of my head to assure him I know exactly what he is talking about.

This morning, on our daily coffee break (I have yet to drink coffee still to their amazement), both my managers suggested to me to try the career path of an actuary. I immediately grimaced at this proposition.

I’ve decided, for my life, that there are certain criteria that will have be met in order for me to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. However, the career path of an actuary doesn’t meet one of my requirements:

• I need to feel proud of what I do, and my accomplishments. It has to be something that I can confidently say I am and glad that I’ve become.

Actuarial work is something that I most likely would enjoy doing, especially the mathematics behind it, but the job itself is more mundane and dry than I would ever tolerate. Not to mention, there’s a complete negative stigma surrounding actuaries in my opinion. Though most say that being an actuary would be really rewarding, earn you a lot of money, and so forth… that’s not all there is to it. I’ve done a bit of reading on the subject and have understood it’s less of a social job than many other professions. Most of the time, you are generally isolated and don’t really work on a team.

To add to that point, the actual work is simple number crunching and is a bit dry. Though I don’t mind doing a bit of number crunching here and there, it’s definitely not something I would spend years of my life on. To be quite honest, it seems almost a waste of life to actually spend it just computing figures all the time.

Regardless, this is just my opinion at this very moment in time. I know of people who are aiming to become actuaries at the moment, and I wish them the best of luck. But for me, I want something more. I want to see the applications of mathematics in different fields from meteorology to economics and more. I want to see the real-world applications of my work, and have it actually benefit society for the best. I want something that I will be proud of being.

Isolation of a Light Source

In a world that never sleeps, where newspapers are being printed every minute of every hour of every day, where it seems like there are more cars on the road than parking spaces in downtown, it’s really hard to escape.

Social networking sites such as Facebook continually surround us every day of the week. We’re attracted by the constant notifications of any minute action that any of our friends do during the course of their day.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

And it’s true. How often do you think the daily commuters to downtown take a break from work, and just relax and enjoy life?

I strongly believe, from my invigorating experience at afterparty, that every person needs isolation from the world (from time to time). Though in our current society, networking and status updates appear as an utmost importance, I feel that everyone needs a break. Because if we don’t take any breaks, we lose sight of the things that matter to us, and who we really are.

Lying on a beach in Sandbanks Provincial Park, about a thirty minute drive from Belleville, Ontario (pop. 48,821), staring at the night sky, seemingly polluted with bright shining stars, was one of the most magical experiences in my life. I don’t know what it was, but there is something magical about what is above us. Is it heaven? I don’t know. But it’s definitely invisible underneath the skyscrapers and bright lights of the Toronto skyline.

And I think that’s the problem with society. We’re too caught up in trying to be somewhere where we should’ve been five minutes ago, that we don’t take to appreciate the smaller things in life. It’s like a dehumanization of sorts.

And I don’t like it. But I moreover also believe it is inevitable. This new metropolis of technological advancements has been inevitable. It seems as if human beings, were genetically programmed, to continually to improve and improve. It seems as if we’re obsessed to make things faster, stronger, smoother, smaller and more efficient than before. It seems as if there’s no limit.

Will it one day stop? Maybe. But maybe not. Because I firmly see each subsequent generation becoming less interested in nature and the wonders of planet Earth. Rather, I imagine them becoming intoxicated by mass-media, advertisements and the newest technology.

Is it too late?

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

- The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot

Forever Young

It’s over;

high school is over.

Done. Ended. Finished.

I just can’t believe it. The very experience and emotions seem rather surreal, for to this day, I still remember my first day of high school. Heck, I even remember my first day of junior kindergarten. And now, within a little over one hundred days, I’ll have my first day of university.

But alas, where has it all gone? Was high school how I expected it? Any surprises? If I could revisit my expectations of it, about four years ago, I’d want to. I’m curious to see the astronomical change within myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and more.

High school has been quite the adventure. It’s definitely the most memorable four years of my life as I’ve grown as a person, and met many people who have influenced me into being the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn’t be even remotely close to where I am today.

The entire experience was immensely different from what I expected. Four years ago, I didn’t know a single person out of the twenty-five hundred. High school back then seemed mysterious, foreign and unfamiliar. Now? It feels comfortable, friendly and inviting. Without a doubt, I’ve become used to the familiar faces in the hallway, the presence of friends upon entering the cafe, and knowing all the secretaries in the office.

So as a result, it’s now university that possesses the looming mysterious quality. However, my approach will differ tremendously from before. As of right now, I’m absolutely prepared to go into university confident, radiating a smile and my head raised high. I’m all for the challenges of university, whether they are academic or non, and regardless, I know that with my attitude, I’ll manage.

With this being said, the chapter in my life titled high school has just finished, and now I’m going to take a one-hundred-and-three day nap, before I take on the next chapter.

It’s title?

University (2010 - 2015)

Nobel Prize in Economics

Skyscrapers full of analysts, auditors, and executives—is this where I want to be?

After having my interview with TD Financial Bank; my eyes were definitely opened up to a world of chance, luck and hard-work also known as business.

Never have I felt the confidence, power or authority that I did as I walked through the streets of downtown Toronto in my suit. The sheer amount of self-worth I gained, from the momentary walk to the bank, is simply indescribable. If I had to wake up every morning, and walk through the barrage of individuals rushing to their daily work—it would bring a smile to my face.

But, is that all there is to it? Sure it may be extremely rewarding emotionally, and I’m sure that it rewards financially as well, but is that all there is to it?

My two interviewers, the Senior Auditor and the Senior Manager, both made me feel completely welcome. They were charismatic, cheerful and had a great sense of humour. Not only that, but their expertise within their field was impressive and I felt a great sense of positivity around them. Their encouragement to delve further into the economic sector of financial organizations and banks has lead me to start reconsidering my prospective post-secondary plans.

From the original Honours degree in Applied Mathematics with a possible Earth Sciences specialization option, the two of them both stated that studies in financial analysis and/or risk management would be of utmost help to my future. I love the math—the probability, the risks; I’d love doing it. But I’m not convinced.

Do I want to wake up every morning at half past six, to dress up into a suit, and commute through the mayhem of traffic to a sixty-storey skyscraper? Do I want to be the reason behind a company’s success and fantastic last quarter turnover? Do I want to help the business make money?

It seems rather selfish to me. All business, for that matter, seems selfish, but of course—reminiscent of human nature nonetheless. But I don’t think I’d be able to handle it. I don’t think I’d be able to spend my whole day inside that skyscraper except for the seventy-five or minutes allocated to a lunch break. I don’t think I’d be able to come home after 5, to relax for a bit, realize it’s already 10pm, and hit the hay for tomorrow is another day. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

Before, I had absolutely zero knowledge of this field. Thankfully, I have delved a bit into it and I’m not too sure that this is something I want to do. It seems to be analogous to Thursday’s For the Workforce Drowning:

people inside,
dressed for the funeral in black and white.
These ties strangle our necks, hanging in the closet,
found in the cubicle;

without a name, just numbers, on the resume stored in the mainframe, marked for delete

9 to 5! 9 to 5!

and we’re up to our necks,
drowning in the seconds,
ingesting the morning commute
lost in a dead subway sleep
Now we lie wide awake in our parents beds,
tossing and turning.
tomorrow we’ll get up
drive to work,
single file
with everyday
it’s like the last.

save our ship
the anchor is part of the desk
we can’t cut free,
the water is flooding the decks
the memo’s sent through the currents
computers spark like flares

As of right now, I’ve decided to accept the internship offer for August at TD Financial Bank, most likely in the auditing department. That’s not to say I’ll enjoy it, though I might. That’s not to say it’s what I want to do for the rest of my life, though it’s of course possible. It’s just to experience it, and see for myself, so I can create my own opinion toward it, rather than rely on others’ experiences.

For now, what my future career will be is still a mystery.